Saturday, December 31, 2005
Last Christmas, B & I we struggling with our decision to stop infertility treatments and bump Plan B into Plan A. At the same time we were all dealing with C's mom's unplanned pregnancy and how it had become a bitter ghost moving in and out of our house. I was angry, B was worried, and C was just being an all-around asshole about it. Last Christmas C got her first spanking, I cried all morning, and B was angry and sad because both of his ladies were miserable and he couldn't fix us.
This year, as I said before, was different. We were relaxed, slept later (the benefits of having an older child, who, although no blood-relative of mine, seems to have adopted my lazy gene), and had a nice holiday. Outside of the jewelry, B decided to theme my gifts. Because I travel an insane amount (I think I've stayed at every Hampton Inn within a day's drive of my home), B kept this in mind when purchasing my gifts. I ended up with a car safety kit, XM radio, keyless ignition/entry, space bags, an iTunes gift card, and a spray can of Mace in my stocking. Think he worries about me when I'm out there on the road? He put a lot of thought into the whole present thing, which is very sweet and cool.
Another great thing this year is that we actually had Christmas morning, which is also her birthday with C. For the last 8 Christmases we have celebrated on Christmas Eve, and C would have Christmas Day at her mom's house. We don't share the holiday. I know there are blended families out there that can all come together and make it work, but we are not one of them. Enough said.
Anyways, after having a leisurely morning opening gifts, B decided to scope out the city to see about getting breakfast. We all piled into the car and headed toward Shoney's, the only place open. The place was packed with firemen. It was sort of surreal. We hit the buffet and as we tucked into our food, C began talking about her birthday and was asking B about the day she was born. No big deal, really, just talk. Apparently the waitress overheard C and asked to speak to B. Ten minutes later, here comes our waitress holding one of these followed by the rest of the wait staff clapping and singing the requisite restaurant birthday sing along. The look on C's face was priceless. As she dived into chocolaty vanilla bliss, she turned to me and said, "Can we make this a tradition?" I scooped up a bite for myself and replied, "Yes, we can."
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Although I normally won't post pictures of my family and friends (It kinda freaks me out even though I know there are few people that actually read this blog), this is one of my all-time favorite pictures.
My nephew Noah is a nut. He loves his "fryjamas" and these stinkin' moon boots. He does karate in his Sponge Bob underpants, freaks out over Game Cube, obsesses over "bad guys," and can name Hot Wheels makes and models in a Rainman-esque fashion that astounds mortal men. He's a redheaded hellion who can sing "Take Me Out" at the top of his lungs and is terrified of spiders. He likes to sleep in my bed, but won't let B sleep with us because, "He lets big, stinky farts," and gives the best hugs ever.
I love him beyond words.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
I won't lie and say that I regret not having a big wedding. Eloping with B was the best decision I have made in my life; however, at the time of our surprise nuptials, we rushed to get rings at a local shop that rhymes with "lawn." Don't get me wrong, I am not a jewelry snob or even a girly girl who likes to wear different pieces, but for a while (several years) I have had a serious case of diamond envy. I'm not choosy, I just wanted a carat. My small, shiny, beautiful diamond has great sentimental value, but I still coveted the rings of my friends. If that makes me shallow, so what! At the time of our marriage B and I made less money combined than I make now. We were poor and in love and made do, and for these years of diamond envy B refused to even discuss a bigger ring. He just couldn't see how a piece of jewelry could make me happy. Nevermind the fact that he pays monthly rent on a studio for his drums that he visits at least once a week, but hasn't had a consistent paying gig in over 2 years. I digress...
Imagine my surprise this Christmas Eve when I got my carat. Finally after years of envy I got what I wanted. A carat solitaire that shines lovely on my fat little finger. Upon giving it to me, in front of both our families who were in on it, he stated, he realized that this time next year we would be getting ready for our trip to China; and after that we would not only have Cadance, but Ruby, and eventually grandbabies. This would be the last time we could really focus on each other. With flourish and grandeur he presented me with the ring. I couldn't be happier, but much to the disappointment of B and the fam, I didn't cry.
Next up, a new band for Valentine's Day...
Thursday, November 24, 2005
- B - my love, my heart. What a guy. Predictability at its daily best - laughter? Check! Telling me he loves me? Check! Singing something silly about poop? Check! Talking to his dumbass cat that I hate in this schmoopy, baby voice that gets her engine revved like she's in heat? Check!
- C - Being a stepmom isn't very easy, and sometimes isn't all that fun. Even though boundaries abound, it's mostly just great. An awesome kid that let's me practice being a mom without recourse (yet) whom I love to pieces. I am lucky and I try not to forget it.
- My family - No matter what they've got my back, and vice versa.
- My friends - The Holy Trinity: Rachael, my sister in heart, who's been there the longest and loves me still, Alicia, my wife, who keeps me on my toes and allows me to be totally selfish while arm wrestling me for time to talk, "Okay, enough about you let's talk about me..." and Caroline, my constant, who's blunt honesty calls me on my shit, even when I don't want to hear it and it makes me really mad.
- My partners in crime - Lori and Tami, I am so glad I am a little bit insane, otherwise we'd drive each other nuts. It's nice to get along since we have to spend so much time together. The good new is, we aren't legally responsible for each other.
- And finally, my Ruby - Words aren't enough to say how much the wait is killing me. To see that face, dry those tears, tell her to "walk it off," finalize my family, watch her grow into an amazing woman, and love that love that makes me more and less of a person at the same time. With her, my work here will be done.
... thanks be.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Our cute as a bug in a rug SW, J, came breezing in at 2 o'clock with a sunny smile and soft spoken ways. B was convinced she was coming to throw down the gauntlet, take one look at us and laugh her ass off. I was stressed because we create more dust than Kansas. Regardless, I kept reminding myself that she's a nature loving, no make-up, but still beautiful, trying to hide it hippie and attempted to relaxed. She's one laid-back chick. I talked even more than last time and realized I am a huge, pretentious nerd. C talked very little, which was surprising, but after J left she went on and on how nice and pretty she is - weird. B made jokes and somehow got her to disclose more information than she probably should. Before we knew it 3 hours were killed and we kicked her out of the house. The tension and stress of the day deflated like a leaky balloon and we all sat down to a silent dinner. There we were, halos of kitchen lighting around the blonde heads of our family trying not to acknowledge the silent, empty space at our table that's waiting to be filled with the noisy chatter of a baby girl with black hair that will reflect the light like rippling city lights on a deep moving river. Quietly eating BBQ, We shoveled it in like farm hands after a day of barn raising. What a day.
Monday, November 07, 2005
The best part though, while sitting there in her chintzy wing-back chairs, was being reminded of how much I love my husband. It was like I was standing outside looking in at this couple who so desperately want this baby, but know that if, for some reason, it doesn't work out, will be okay. I have learned that with this man by my side I can weather anything. We've gone through death, major life-threatening illness, crazy people, divorces of friends and family, financial strife, and the heartbreak of infertility, and never once did we consider being apart was better than being together. He is my best friend, soul mate, buddy, partner in crime, and the love of my life. With him I am so much more.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Right now I am trying to figure out when my almost-10-year-old stepdaughter, C, became a teenager. This past Saturday, C had her first Halloween/early birthday slumber party. We set them up in the dining room with pizza, snacks, a Bratz Dance Pad and Kidz Bop 8, a cd player, and let them go. The first indicator I got was when the girls were eating pizza. B & I were in the kitchen eavesdropping and all of the sudden we hear, "Let's play Truth or Dare!" B and I looked at each other and held our breath. The game starts, and we hear C say, "I dare you to make out with that skeleton." WHAT!?! B snorts diet Coke out of his nose and starts cracking up. I quietly restrain myself from jumping up and running into the dining room screaming, "Where the Hell did you hear that? No one in this house 'makes out!'" Which is untrue, but I don't want to scar her for life. But I said nothing.
The second indicator came when I was fulfilling the promised "pedicure" part of the party. Out of the blue C asks, "When can I shave my legs? Caitlyn shaves her legs already, can I?" Holy shit. Talk about on the spot. I finally mumbled, "We'll talk about this later." Goddammit.
The third and final straw came Monday morning when she walks into the spare bedroom, where I am ruthlessly ironing khakis, wearing Whore Red lipstick and a big fat smile. I take one look say, "NO," and keep on ironing. She then proceeds to gently wipe it off, leaving a lovely smeared pink residue, and begins applying glitter lip gloss in methodical, hypnotic circles on her lips. Again I take one look and say, "NO." Well, let's just say that the second rejection of her aspirations to be hooker or possibly Dolly Parton resulted in a wailing litany of "It's just gliiiiittttterrrr!" I finally had to whip out the, "If you're smart, you will silently sit in the backseat of this car and be very, very quiet" line, which subliminally says, "If you don't shut up I will have to slit my wrists, which means you and your dad will be left alone and he will allow you to go to school looking like a hooker, you will get knocked up at 12, live on Welfare, and smoke two packs of Camels a day, and if this happens I will haunt and torture the both of you as long as you live..."
I don't know what happened. It seems like yesterday boys were gross, bathing was a battle, and the highlight of her day was listening to her lullaby cd she's had since she was two. Now I have a premenstrual, hormonal, Gwen Stefani worshipping pre-teen. And, to add insult to injury, I will be experiencing this all over again in about 11 years with Ruby, which is just enough time for me to forget about the pain and agony I have experienced this week.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
I am so sick of food T.V. I could puke. Why is it that T.V. sucks so much during the day? I am sure there are people out there who stay at home and enjoy such masterpieces as: Dr. Phil, Maury, Judge Brown, and As the World Turns. I am not one of those people. If my head didn't hurt so badly I would try to read. As it stands, I can't handle concentrating that hard. Thank Bob, daytime T.V. doesn't require much. I have raging ear and upper respiratory infections thanks to being in close proximity to people who are sick and traveling in icy rain to Pennsylvania to see my boyfriends. Anyways, I feel like crapola and having shitty T.V. bites big fatties. I hate being sick!
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
For the entree, I am having a big ol' bowl of Work. Like the neverending pasta bowl that Olive Garden touts on a regular basis, it never empties and keeps taking up way too much room on my table. Each task is a winding strand of noodle, and if I am lucky, the bite is accompanied by some exciting spice or sauce. Mostly it's sort of bland and filling.
My vegetable would be school. My classes are a lot like broccoli - I never want to eat it, but when I make myself, I usually enjoy it.
C & B would be my bread and water. With just these two, I can survive. C & B just give me my space and keep me laughing - my sanity, my salvation.
Finally for dessert, big scoops of social worker, with lots of warm home study paperwork, whipped cream USCIS fingerprinting, and sprinkles of fees paid everywhere.
I am full.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Ruby was with us now
My house would stay permanently clean
C was with us full-time
I only needed 4 hours of sleep a night like Martha Stewart
My brother had 100% of his hearing
I had pretty, shapely legs
My family will live forever, or at least outlive me
John Kerry was president
I had a digital camera and knew how to take cool pictures like Karen
I could tap dance
B would get a salary projection for his promotion
I had no periods. Period.
I had Oprah hair (and her moolah)
I could ride an elephant
We weren't at war
I could knit
My friend Lori could find her split-apart
I could eat as many Doritos, fried green tomatoes, and bacon sandwiches as I wanted without gaining weight
I could be on Broadway, preferably in a revised musical like Bye Bye Birdie or The Sound of Music
Somebody would put Baby in a corner
I had time to read a book for pleasure every day
I knew more about politics and world events
I could find beautiful shoes that were high, high, high and didn't hurt my feet
Nip/Tuck was on 3 nights a week
Sayid on Lost would cut his fingernails - Gross
Harry Potter was real and we could make mischief together at Hogwarts
I was finished with my doc program
I could see my friend Alicia more
There would be no disabilities or mental retardation, which would consequently put me out of a job
I could use the word "consequently" more often
I could win the lottery
Bono will see me in the audience on Oct 22, and pull me onstage to sing With or Without You with him
I could rap
Plaster walls wouldn't crack when a nail is driven into them
French-tip manicures would go out of style
Michael Vartan would still be on Alias, it's so not worth it without him
Television Without Pity would hire me
I had more wishes...
I am sure there are more, I'm just too wished out to think of them
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I mentioned the library and The Peanut Shoppe for two reasons: 1) these are two of my favorite places in the world (granted I haven't seen a lot of the world), and 2) I finally, finally, finally finished my autobiography for our home study. At last! In my "Happy Memories" section I talked about how much I love the library. When I was a little girl, my mom, brother, and I would hop on the bus every Saturday and make our way into the city. We would go to the library and check out as many books as we could - 20 apiece. It was a haven for us from being stuck in a rural area with no cable, no video games, and no computers. It was the 70's folks! Once we got the goods, we would cross the street and eat at McDonalds. This McDonalds was extra cool because it had a downstairs section. Mom would rarely take us down there except to go to the bathroom, because the transients would hang out down there and try to bum money or food. The McDonalds is long gone, currently replaced by a parking garage/coffee shop and a swanky French restaurant - with no cool downstairs. After a plain filet-o-fish and fries, we would cross the street again and head into The Peanut Shoppe. 30 years later the place still looks and smells the same. Also 30 years later I still buy the same thing, French-burnt peanuts. Little red, candy-coated peanuts in waxy, white paper bags, each one a burst of salty sweet goodness in my mouth.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Good news I can't really dwell on. I am sad for my friends, terrified for my brother, and really need to just get over myself. B has gone through a divorce, and we have gone through another one with his ex-wife; however, this is different. We love both these people. We often hang out together, and many times Brian will go with my girlfriend to see scary movies or smoke outside, while her husband and I will see the funny ones and chat about comic books, movies and celebrity gossip. We always switch partners when playing games, and ususally sit across from the opposite at dinner. That's the only swapping we do, so shut up! Nevertheless, I am sad to see it disintegrate and feel very helpless. This marriage is cancer, all good things are being eaten slowly by hard feelings, resentment, and loss of love and respect. And just like cancer, remission may happen, but the threat of the disease will always be there, lingering and waiting; a silent, deadly fog of poison anticipating one sharp inhale.
My brother is going deaf. He is in a lot of pain and is very sick with constant vertigo. Again, the feelings of helplessness are overwhelming me. Meniere's disease is scary and can make life incredibly difficult to maintain. He has three small children; a family to support. I wish I could do more, but all we can do is wait. All of his childhood and youth, my brother was teased about the size of his ears. In elementary school I opened up many, many cans of "Whoop Ass" because of taunts like, "big ears" or "Dumbo." In adulthood, my brother's head and body finally caught up with his ears, and he is a proportionate, beautiful man (way prettier than me). His ears no longer look large or unusual, they look normal. I just hate it that the one feature that caused him so much torment as a child is continuing to make him miserable.
As I type this I cry. I am crying for my baby brother whom I can no longer protect. I can't beat up anyone or make this go away. I am crying for my friends who are struggling so hard to find happiness. I am crying for myself, because no matter how great our news may be, the stress of these two incredibly important people supersedes any bliss I may have.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Now I have been a coffee drinker since I was a wee one and if I do not have coffee within approximately one and one-half hours of waking I am intolerable, physically sick, and just damn evil. The last time I went without my requisite 2-3 cups in the A.M. was the day I had my breast reduction surgery which was October 29, 2003 (yes, I remember the date - big surgery, no coffee). Keep in mind I was having major surgery and received many, many drugs for the following week so lack of caffeine didn't really register. Actually, I think the only times in the last 20 years I didn't have my morning cuppa was prior to surgery. Basically 3 times in the last 20 years or so. So, you think I'm addicted?
Anyways, I very angrily stomp back upstairs to put clothes on to go buy take-out coffee. While dressing I look in the bathroom mirror and have the realization that I fell asleep in my makeup and I look sort of like this chick. Maybe it was subconscious because B & I went to see this flick last night and I loved it, but only because I love Jason Statham and he is now forever in my top five. But, I digress...
I wipe the goo off and make my way to the local Hardees, which surprisingly has some rockin' coffee, and proceed to get behind this very large man who has 5, count them, 5 separate orders. I swear to God if that man hadn't outweighed me by at least 100 pounds I would have probably physically hurt him. That and the fact that I probably wouldn't have gotten any coffee in jail are the two reasons I didn't go on a rampage and ram this guy's red Bronco right in the ass. I finally get my 20 ounces of hot, Hardees brew and make my way home. All plans weren't in jest, however, I promptly put my pjs on, grabbed my book, and hit the "high" button on the recliner massager and killed 2 hours like it was nothin.
Awaken Me Darkly by Gena Showalter - aliens, guns, and a badass chick, all wrapped up in cheesy goodness.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Me: " I would really like to change my blood pressure medication. I have no energy, no libido, I am tired all of the time and it's really bothering me. I also think I need a stronger diuretic because I am retaining water like a sponge" I then began pressing on my arms which produced yellow rings of loveliness.
Dr: "Well, you're on a beta-blocker and that's a common side effect. I prescribed it because you're trying to get pregnant. Are you still trying to get pregnant?"
Me (very nastily): "No, we are adopting, and I distinctly remember telling you this at my last appointment. It's not something I would forget." Smug, small smile.
Dr: "Oh. Really. Well then let's prescribe you some of the good stuff, so you won't feel so bad. Let's try Diovan."
Me: "Does it include a diuretic?"
Dr: "No, do you want one?
At this point I could only nod my head up and down - my words would have been too ugly.
She then explains how the Diovan (with diuretic) works.
Me: "I also need a letter from you for our adoption application. Because I take this medicine, I need you to tell them that it is controlled by medication and I am healthy enough to raise a child."
Dr: "Can I hand-write it?"
Me (nastily again): "No. It needs to be typed, on letterhead and signed with your credentials." It was sooooo hard not to add "DUH!" to the end of this statement.
Dr.: "You can pick it up Tuesday."
After that I basically grabbed my little bag of samples and got the hell out of Dodge. I believe I will be finding another doctor ASAP.
And I took off work for this?
Only one cause I'm a student - dammit!
4th of July - James Patterson
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
10 Years Ago: I was 24 and working at Waldenbooks in a really dead mall. I was losing an enormous amount of weight on Fen/Phen and basically was melting. Depression was pretty deep because I had a degree and was still in retail. I finally got a professional job about halfway through my 24th year. I became a case manager at a behavioral health center that is now bankrupt and defunct. I also had a boyfriend who was younger than me, but could be a lot of fun. We both were film fanatics. Had a cervical cancer scare and had surgery. It was taken care of with one surgery and my cervix is fine.
5 Years Ago: I was still working at the behavioral health center and slowly watching the ship sink. I was in my Master's internship, and felt stuck. I graduated and was hooded in April and was so proud of myself I was unbearable. Even though I had gained back all of the weight I lost with Fen/Phen, I felt pretty okay with it because I didn't have any of the scary side effects that got it pulled off the market. I was going into my first year of marriage with B and feeling very in love and happy. C was adjusting much better than I to the whole stepmom thing. She was only four and seemed to be okay with me. Sometimes if she got mad she would threaten that her mommy would put me in jail, but otherwise we were all right. Had another surgery on the nether parts to determine if I had endometriosis. None detected, but I later found out that the cyst removed from my ovary contained "boy parts" EEEWWW!
1 Year Ago: B and I were preparing to continue with fertility treatments and I began Gonal-F shots. This would turn out to be our final two attempts at IUI with medication after I switched from an OB/GYN to an RE. Neither worked, I gained 20 pounds, and we made the decision to adopt from China. We had hit the $30,000.00 mark and were finished. Also, I applied and was accepted in my doctoral program, which is a pretty big accomplishment for the lady who was told by her fifth grade teacher that she would be lucky if she graduated high school! Take that Martha Collier - you old bitch!
Yesterday: Worked all day and then went to my research class. Finally got home around 8:30, ate dinner, and immediately went to bed. Laid in my gigantic bed and fell asleep with the remote in my hand listening to the soothing sounds of Napoleon Dynamite.
5 Snacks I Enjoy:
- Doritos - Old School Nacho Cheese
- Triscuits and Laughing Cow Cheese
- Frozen Grapes
- Slim Jims - I know they're gross
- String cheese
5 Songs I Know All The Words To:
- Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
- Greek Song - Rufus Wainwright
- 1983 - John Mayer
- Come Sail Away - Styx
- Sing - The Carpenters
5 Things I Would Do With $100 Million:
- Buy an enormous amount of land and build houses for B & me, my parents, my brother, Alicia, and my FIL - but they would be so far apart we would have to ride golf carts to visit. I would also give them annual allowances.
- Adopt more than one child which is all we can afford right now.
- Retire from social work, finish my doctorate and teach part-time
- Hire a personal trainer, chef, and basic staff for my house and my family's houses if they wanted.
5 Places I Would Run Away To:
- Las Vegas
- China - get my Ruby
- A thong (bathing suit or underwear)
- Sleeveless tops - the Oprah's are a little too loose
- A Banana Clip
- A size DDD bra ever again!
5 Favorite TV Shows:
- The Apprentice
- Arrested Development
5 Biggest Joys:
- Laughing with B and C
- Talking with my nephew Noah, he is too smart and asks really cool questions
- Getting an "A"
- Hanging out with my family and friends
- A great movie I want to see over and over
5 Favorite Toys:
- Game cube
- DVR - Charter Rocks
- My new cell phone
- Old School Crossword puzzles
- My Dell
5 People I Tag To Do This : Anyone who wants to play - have at it!
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
School has started and I believe I am at a crossroads. It is time for me to start establishing a chair and a committee as well as take some Area of Emphasis classes. I decided my AOE would be Special Education, because I work in the field of disabilities and I am an Ethics and Human Rights Nazi; however, after tonight's class I am not so sure. I jotted off a quick email to my advisor begging for help, so we'll see. I don't think anyone will be happier than her when I finally choose a chair and they accept me. I believe I'll send her flowers to celebrate. Other than that, I am just busy, busy, busy trying to get my house and life situated. Please be patient.
Oh yeah, since I love trashy novels so much, and I consider myself a smart bitch, I have decided to add what I am reading, or have read in between blogging, to my blogs. If you want to read reviews check out this website.
Undead and Unappreciated by Mary Janice Davidson
Hot Number by Carly Phillips
The Waitress by Melissa Nathan (currently reading)
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Well, C and I, the ladies of the house, are having deodorant issues. Surprisingly, B smells great; he finally found the deodorant that works for him and he's the most olfactory pleasing of the bunch. C and I on the other hand are nasty, hormonal chicken soup smelling gals who just can't seem to get it right. We are both experiencing hormone issues that render our pits toxic areas that no brand of deodorant can seem to touch. Hers is much more excusable than mine - she's 9; it's to be expected! Me, on the other hand, must get it under control before I scare small animals into hiding.
Right now there are 4 different kinds of antiperspirant/deodorant sitting on my shelf: Dry Idea gel, Ban stick, Adidas stick, and Secret Olay platinum gel. None of which make it through a day of me sitting in an air-conditioned office where I read manual after manual and the only exertion I get is my trek to the bathroom or coffeepot. How can this be? What really pisses me off is the fact that I am not that sweaty. I don't like to sweat, I am very lazy, and I sit on my ass all day! I have a friend who has excessive sweat production and has even gone to the doctor because of it - she uses Secret and is fresh all day! We've discussed.
Nevertheless, I repeatedly ask my confidants - Caroline, Lori, and Angie if they can smell me because I can smell myself. The answer is always a resounding "NO!" It has gotten so bad at home, that B will randomly call out "You smell good" whenever I am doing anything that remotely resembles a nostril flare or the subtle " reaching-for-something-off-a-really-high-shelf-so-I-can-do-a-check" move. Just the other night I rolled over and woke up to B mumbling in his sleep, "you smell good." I realized then that I was laying on my back and had thrown my arm over my head.
My mother and my friend Angie, who are both in "The Change" are convinced it's residual hormone imbalance from Gonal-F shots back in November. I think 8 months is a long enough time to not have any lingering Gonal-F. Truthfully, I think they are convinced I am peri-menopausal and don't have the heart to tell me.
If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. Otherwise I may become Howard Hughesish and be more self-conscious than I already am.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
In 1989 I ...
- Was one of the few girls in my senior class that did not have a perm. This was because my mother refused to "ruin" my hair. I think she just didn't want to drop 80 bucks on a spiral perm. I finally paid for one myself right before graduation and I hated it.
- Had a great BFF Kathy who was skinny and super smart. I slept over at her house almost every weekend and we would read cheesy teen romances, gossip about everybody on the planet, do drive-bys past boys we liked houses in her mom's Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme (with a sun roof) while listening to INXS, think pretty deeply about religion, steal sips of her mom's liquor and replace them with soda, drink icy cold Diet Pepsi and 7UP, and hang out all of the time without ever really getting too bored of each other's company.
- Was very into Children's theatre and really thought I was the shit because I had a decent singing voiceand would get pretty big parts in the musicals. Later I realized I got the parts because I was so loud I didn't have to use a microphone. Regardless, it did wonderful things for my self-esteem so no regrets.
- Had my first fender bender right in front of Kathy's house. I was driving a 79 Ford Fairmont so of course there was no damage to my car.
- Worked at the local movie theatre and had a true Hollywood kiss right in front of the marquee. The wind was blowing my hair, leaves were sweeping down the deserted street at night, he dipped me Tom Cruise style, and I swear to God I could hear the swell of the orchestra. His name was Rob and he was really hot, had a manly moustache, and had both ears pierced. He was a football player at another school and drove a vintage Mustang. He dumped me for a beauty pageant queen named Bambi. I was devastated and cried in the popcorn storage room for hours.
- I started college without any of my friends from high school and met my "first" (which did not happen until 1990) who was funny, stress-inducing, and made me feel very grown up. He is now married to a woman I went to high school with and they have three daughters.
- Went to two funerals for guys I went to high school with. Doug and Jimmy were really nice boys who will never be forgotten.
- Wore contact lenses for the first time. I still hate them to this day, but vanity will show it's ugly head occasionally and I will break them out on sunny days.
- Used tampons for the first time - my mom always said no and when I would try I would be so tense I couldn't get it in. Once I got it I never went back to the mattress.
- Read To Kill a Mockingbird for the first time and truly understood the power of the written word.
- Called my brother "Ugly Boy" on a regular basis. I don't know why, just typical big sister bitchiness, but it stuck for several years and was eventually shortened to UB. If call out "Ugly Boy" or even UB, he will still answer today; however, I now mainly call him Brother.
- Had a wonderful boyfriend named Mark who is Filipino. He had the most beautiful legs on a boy I had ever seen. He would bring me a gift before every date, call me daily, always hold my hand, pay for every date, and took me to my Prom. I dumped him because he would not kiss me even though I could have laid one on him and he would've responded. Now this seems silly, and truthfully, I think he was so perfect he scared the shit out of me.
Okay, just a few flashbacks to 1989. What are some of your memories of the year that brought us U2's Desire, Keds (without socks), pegged pants, and big, big hair?
Sunday, August 07, 2005
B and I did a lot of research before we started treatment for infertility. Because B has lupus and a history of intensive chemotherapy, we knew we would have to do IUI with donor sperm. We also knew from the beginning that there was a very good chance that we would not be able to have a "pregnancy." In knowing this, many family members and friends wondered why we ever tried. I can't really explain it. I wanted the baby way more than I wanted the pregnancy; however, in retrospect, I think I wanted the biological baby in order to ease the minds of our families. Like I said earlier, our rural culture is not very accepting of differences, and the adage of "blood is thicker..." really means something here.
My family was aware we were using donor sperm, but we kept it from B's family. My parents were open-minded and okay because, if there was a baby, he or she would still be "theirs" seeing as the baby would share my DNA. Because of B's mother's religious beliefs we chose not to tell her, and she never knew. I hinted to her once prior to her death that we may have to use donor sperm, and her comment was "Let's pray that you don't have to do that." I knew then we could never tell. In many ways it was a relief that it didn't work. That kind of secret is a biggie and I am glad I won't have to explain it to my child.
Although I am not a spiritual person, I think I have known all along I will never give birth and adopting was what we were meant to do. When I dream of having a baby, I never dream of being pregnant (I may have and just don't remember). I always dream of a girl baby with no face and black hair. I am always happy in the dream, but most of the time the baby's back is to me. I am not chasing her, just watching. It's kind of strange. B and I both have blonde hair and light eyes. If our DNA were to ever merge, the chances of us having a dark haired baby are pretty damn slim. Sometimes I think this is spooky and spiritually my body is telling me something, but oftentimes I think it's all a bunch of hoo-hah crap and I am subconsciously projecting my daily thoughts and reality into my dreams. Who knows?
We chose China because it seemed like that was where we were supposed to find our child (now who's talking spiritual hoo-hah?). We did the research, talked a lot, and decided China prior to ever doing the first IUI in 2001. We know most of the arguments, and have answers for all of the questions that have come our way. Answers to questions that are sad, truthful, and sometimes hurtful. Answers to questions I will not subject any readers to. Take my word for it, that we chose the best fit for our family and are making my dreams our reality. That's "Why China."
Saturday, August 06, 2005
My excuses (in no particular order of lameness) are:
- This past week I started my Brand New Job. I can't really discuss it, but I will tell that it is corporate, different, and I have two great friends who are with me to ease the transition. One of my best friends, Caroline, and my new friend, Lori. I met both of these women through work. Caroline and I have known each other almost 10 years - yikes! We endured graduate school together, which is a bond that will never be broken. Lori and I met about 2 1/2 years ago through a mutual client. I also provided her with many, many continuing education credits; therefore, I take undue amounts of credit for her obtaining her license. I am really liking my new position and I am looking forward to learning more about the job. My only two complaints are that I have to get up an hour earlier, and I have to dress up every day, which includes big shoes and make-up. Dammit!
- I had my 34th birthday on Wednesday. This was the first time in over 10 years I worked on my birthday, which was sucky. My Honey B made it much better by hand-delivering 2 dozen yellow sweetheart roses to me at work. He says he was being romantic, but I know he was trying to impress my new co-workers. It was an attempt to rally new troops on the "B is a great husband-he's soooo romantic-how can you ever be angry at him" front for when we have divorce days. He totally schmoozed all of the women at my previous job, so now he has to start from scratch. Imagine his disappointment that only two people witnessed his romanticism because everyone else was in meetings. It was also exacerbated by the fact that my new AA thought he was the flower delivery guy. I have to give him credit though, he is a great guy who is v.v. romantic (much more than I will ever be) and his schmoozing works on me about 90% of the time. So even though I think romanticism is overrated and I am a withered heart cynical crone, B makes up for us both. It's actually kind of a relief.
- On my birthday, we also went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which confirms Johnny Depp's position at the top of my Top Five list joining Julian McMahon, Russell Crowe (as Gladiator only), Dave Matthews, and Rodrigo Santoro. Yum-Yum. I loved, loved, loved this movie. Johnny Depp is the best actor of my generation even though he hangs out with a skinny supermodel who is a rock star wannabe. Her song Commando is so bad I thought it was a joke the first time I heard it.
- We also celebrated my birthday at my parents house. My mom is the greatest cook ever! Mom always makes the birthday dinner and birthday cake of our choice. The menu was fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn on the cob, and macaroni salad. Total carb and fat fest! She also made Sunshine Cake, which is yellow cake with mandarin oranges, pineapple, cool whip and lots and lots of love. Along with my parents, my Honey B and C, my brother and sister-in-law with the crazy/beautiful kids were there, my cousin Stef and her new boyfriend, my Poppaw Kitty-Kat and my stepgrandma Helen, and my great- aunt Mommy Gay. I got a Target Card (yay), a lovely perpetual desk calendar, and a picnic kit. I am still figuring out what I want from B and he's getting frustrated. Good food, good presents, good birthday.
- We finally decided on an agency, and are currently filling out the paperwork for application. Also, I spoke with our homestudy agency and received the packet for application as well. My friend Ashley is a social worker there, and even though she can't do our homestudy, she is able to answer all of my neurotic questions. I love it that she's there because she knows my personality and can handle it when I get demanding, snippy, and crazy. We both have to write huge autobiographies - great more paperwork. Guess what we'll be doing tomorrow.
- I finished my summer class. I had to take a multiculturalism class (my 3rd!) this summer and we had a final paper. Me being me, I waited until the last minute and cranked out 20 pages in APA format with reference on the last day. I received a 299 out of 300 because I couldn't get my table of contents to hyperlink which gives me a 98% in the class. Nevertheless, I am not encouraging anyone out there to wait until the last minute to write a paper. I swear I developed chronic Carpal Tunnel in the span of 8 hours.
So those are my excuses, and if I sit here any longer I could probably think of many more. I will try to post as often as I can. But you see, I have to.....
Friday, July 29, 2005
My e-pals Karen, Lissa, and Joy have finally received referrals from China for their daughters. Both Karen and Joy have little six-month old babies, and Lissa's daughter is nine-months old. I am so happy for them! Cute, cute, cute!
Today is my good friend Sarah's last day in WV. She is joining her family in Texas, and starting a new chapter in her life. Sarah and I met through a mutual friend and became fast buddies seeing as I also met her brother that day and we began dating. Well Nathan and I had fun while it lasted, but I think I got the better deal. Sarah is fun, creative, smart, and kooky. She's going to blow into Texas like a dust storm and bring Austin to it's knees. I really can't say "goodbye" because I've never been to Texas and now I have the perfect excuse. So I guess I'll say "I'll be seeing you soon!"
Also, today is my last day at my current job. I am still here after five and not really ready to go. I have learned so much about myself in this position and feel like I have grown so much as a person and as a professional. One of the best things about this job has been the great friends I have made. There's something to be said when you have so many things to say but can't get them out because you don't want to cry. Cry over missing these people who have been so supportive and understanding through major surgery, "divorce" days, infertility heartache, celebrations, and periods of extreme emotion both good and bad. I will miss you my compadres as I take the next step in my life. I can only hope the next group of coworkers/friends are half as great as you.
The best thing about this job is that I met my best "grown up" girlfriend. I have many best friends from those met in junior high, college, and one through a previous job; however, no one is quite like Alicia. Let me tell you a little bit about this person who jokingly refers to herself as my "wife." Alicia is mouthy, loud, and funny as Hell. Only my Honey B can make me laugh as hard as her. She shares so many of my qualities, but she and I are also vastly different, we never run out of things to say. Alicia is the only person I know who knows more celebrity gossip than me. She has a terrible affinity for money, but she's savvy and sly about staying afloat. She has beautiful children who are practically perfect in every way, and she wouldn't settle for less. Alicia is my sister, best supporter, harshest critic and wonderful friend, and in many ways she is my "wife." The hardest part of my job has been knowing I won't have the privilege of seeing her every day. I love you, my friend.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
- I (along with my Honey B) am adopting from China - duh
- I have spent three years and 30,000 on infertility treatments; none of which have worked.
- I have a Master's degree and I am currently taking my EdD.
- I have been married 6 years and love my Honey B more every year
- I have a stepdaughter who has been smacked down by the beast called puberty
- I have never lived outside of my state
- I am starting a Brand New Job on Monday August 1
- I have very stong opinions about things
- I am an avid reader, but I only read trashy novels
- I have two cats. One I love and one I hate
- I am left handed
- I am addicted to magazines, esp. tabloids and have an affinity for celebrity gossip better than Ted Casablanca