Thursday, November 24, 2005

Although I Like to Eat...

Being that today is Thanksgiving and I have been up since 4:30 this morning, thanks to passing out last night around 8:30, like many others in the world have decided to list my blessings for which I am thankful...

  • B - my love, my heart. What a guy. Predictability at its daily best - laughter? Check! Telling me he loves me? Check! Singing something silly about poop? Check! Talking to his dumbass cat that I hate in this schmoopy, baby voice that gets her engine revved like she's in heat? Check!
  • C - Being a stepmom isn't very easy, and sometimes isn't all that fun. Even though boundaries abound, it's mostly just great. An awesome kid that let's me practice being a mom without recourse (yet) whom I love to pieces. I am lucky and I try not to forget it.
  • My family - No matter what they've got my back, and vice versa.
  • My friends - The Holy Trinity: Rachael, my sister in heart, who's been there the longest and loves me still, Alicia, my wife, who keeps me on my toes and allows me to be totally selfish while arm wrestling me for time to talk, "Okay, enough about you let's talk about me..." and Caroline, my constant, who's blunt honesty calls me on my shit, even when I don't want to hear it and it makes me really mad.
  • My partners in crime - Lori and Tami, I am so glad I am a little bit insane, otherwise we'd drive each other nuts. It's nice to get along since we have to spend so much time together. The good new is, we aren't legally responsible for each other.
  • And finally, my Ruby - Words aren't enough to say how much the wait is killing me. To see that face, dry those tears, tell her to "walk it off," finalize my family, watch her grow into an amazing woman, and love that love that makes me more and less of a person at the same time. With her, my work here will be done.

... thanks be.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

All Talked Out

Well, we had our first home visit for our home study today. I took a personal holiday to finish cleaning the house and discovered the magic wonder of these. My mom always hangs with the bald dude, but I can't cheat on my regular guy. Who the hell has an all white kitchen anyways? Me, the woman who doesn't have full-time kids. Who will be painting said kitchen in the near future to avoid going through a 4 pack of magic erasers, one industrial size Clorox disinfectant wipes and an entire bottle of Spic & Span? Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Pick me Mr. Kotter! I digress...
Our cute as a bug in a rug SW, J, came breezing in at 2 o'clock with a sunny smile and soft spoken ways. B was convinced she was coming to throw down the gauntlet, take one look at us and laugh her ass off. I was stressed because we create more dust than Kansas. Regardless, I kept reminding myself that she's a nature loving, no make-up, but still beautiful, trying to hide it hippie and attempted to relaxed. She's one laid-back chick. I talked even more than last time and realized I am a huge, pretentious nerd. C talked very little, which was surprising, but after J left she went on and on how nice and pretty she is - weird. B made jokes and somehow got her to disclose more information than she probably should. Before we knew it 3 hours were killed and we kicked her out of the house. The tension and stress of the day deflated like a leaky balloon and we all sat down to a silent dinner. There we were, halos of kitchen lighting around the blonde heads of our family trying not to acknowledge the silent, empty space at our table that's waiting to be filled with the noisy chatter of a baby girl with black hair that will reflect the light like rippling city lights on a deep moving river. Quietly eating BBQ, We shoveled it in like farm hands after a day of barn raising. What a day.

Monday, November 07, 2005

I "Heart" B

B & I had our first official interview with our social worker today. We met at her office and, being that it is only a block away from mine, B met me there. I was so proud of him, he looked so handsome and cleanly shaved, even though I know it wasn't for my benefit. She asked us general questions about our lives, family support, how we feel about interracial families, etc... All in all, we talked both her legs off, and made her laugh more than she probably should. To us, a good meeting.
The best part though, while sitting there in her chintzy wing-back chairs, was being reminded of how much I love my husband. It was like I was standing outside looking in at this couple who so desperately want this baby, but know that if, for some reason, it doesn't work out, will be okay. I have learned that with this man by my side I can weather anything. We've gone through death, major life-threatening illness, crazy people, divorces of friends and family, financial strife, and the heartbreak of infertility, and never once did we consider being apart was better than being together. He is my best friend, soul mate, buddy, partner in crime, and the love of my life. With him I am so much more.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I Will Hug It, and Love It, and Kiss It All Over

I am jonesing for a dog like nobody's business. I really believe it is stemming from the fact that 1) CCAA has slowed down the referral process and we are now looking at 2007 rather than 2006 to get Ruby, 2) my cat Darwin, the one that I love, is no longer really feeling the love for me, and 3) this picture of Dakota, a puggle from Yonkers, NY is luring me to break out the checkbook and scoop up one just like her, name her Eloise, and teach her amazing tricks that will get us a spot on Animal Planet. I love dogs, but B & I went with cats as pets because we are not home enough to give a dog the attention she would need, and making life adjustments for pets is not the same to us as making a life adjustment for a child. Cats are the perfect pet for people who are busy. They are independent creatures who do not want to be cuddled, loved, played with, and paraded for all to see. It doesn't surprise me that all of these doggie descriptors are some that are also applied to babies/children. I know that deep down I am ready for Ruby and a dog would only be compensation till she gets here. I can wait for the one thing I want - delayed gratification knows no bounds.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Kinda Like Labor, Or So I Hear

Well, first off, I am finally well. After two antibiotics, a nasal spray, and a Diflucan I am now crud free. It's about time - I don't have time to be sick. I have bigger fish to fry.
Right now I am trying to figure out when my almost-10-year-old stepdaughter, C, became a teenager. This past Saturday, C had her first Halloween/early birthday slumber party. We set them up in the dining room with pizza, snacks, a Bratz Dance Pad and Kidz Bop 8, a cd player, and let them go. The first indicator I got was when the girls were eating pizza. B & I were in the kitchen eavesdropping and all of the sudden we hear, "Let's play Truth or Dare!" B and I looked at each other and held our breath. The game starts, and we hear C say, "I dare you to make out with that skeleton." WHAT!?! B snorts diet Coke out of his nose and starts cracking up. I quietly restrain myself from jumping up and running into the dining room screaming, "Where the Hell did you hear that? No one in this house 'makes out!'" Which is untrue, but I don't want to scar her for life. But I said nothing.
The second indicator came when I was fulfilling the promised "pedicure" part of the party. Out of the blue C asks, "When can I shave my legs? Caitlyn shaves her legs already, can I?" Holy shit. Talk about on the spot. I finally mumbled, "We'll talk about this later." Goddammit.
The third and final straw came Monday morning when she walks into the spare bedroom, where I am ruthlessly ironing khakis, wearing Whore Red lipstick and a big fat smile. I take one look say, "NO," and keep on ironing. She then proceeds to gently wipe it off, leaving a lovely smeared pink residue, and begins applying glitter lip gloss in methodical, hypnotic circles on her lips. Again I take one look and say, "NO." Well, let's just say that the second rejection of her aspirations to be hooker or possibly Dolly Parton resulted in a wailing litany of "It's just gliiiiittttterrrr!" I finally had to whip out the, "If you're smart, you will silently sit in the backseat of this car and be very, very quiet" line, which subliminally says, "If you don't shut up I will have to slit my wrists, which means you and your dad will be left alone and he will allow you to go to school looking like a hooker, you will get knocked up at 12, live on Welfare, and smoke two packs of Camels a day, and if this happens I will haunt and torture the both of you as long as you live..."
I don't know what happened. It seems like yesterday boys were gross, bathing was a battle, and the highlight of her day was listening to her lullaby cd she's had since she was two. Now I have a premenstrual, hormonal, Gwen Stefani worshipping pre-teen. And, to add insult to injury, I will be experiencing this all over again in about 11 years with Ruby, which is just enough time for me to forget about the pain and agony I have experienced this week.