Superstitious

Yesterday, I found myself wandering around T. J. Maxx killing time before my Curriculum Learning Theories class. It seemed like everything in the store was on sale. I was bombarded with 70% off signs on all sides as I cruised through the purses and was pretty shocked to see this bag for only $99! Not very tempted, I moved on, breezing through the shoes, socks, and panties adding black socks and pantyhose to my cart. I wheeled through home goods and debated sheets. I almost wrecked my cart in the gourmet foods section when I slid in some spilled jam. Then I caved to the sirens call of the children's section.
Like the Borg say, "Resistance is futile."
Ever the sinner I fondled, lusted, and coveted. I rubbed small marled cotton Calvin Klein sweaters marked down to $7 between my fingers. I imagined Ruby wearing navy blue $12 Ralph Lauren jumpers. I wallowed in seersucker sundresses with matching pantalettes. A sensual feast, I roamed and dreamed. As I rounded a 4-way filled with Easter frocks, my eyes were drawn to the Heavenly light bathing this...I rolled on the tide of tiny baby clothing and crashed right into that island. I inspected it from stem to stern looking in vain for a price tag. I finally located it hidden seductively in the folds of the seat and almost passed out.
$139.00
One Hundred Thirty Nine Dollars.
Oh.My.God.
A $300.00 stroller that's over 50% off!
Lust overwhelmed me as I slowly backed the cart away from the stroller. My hands trembled as I reached into my purse to grab the cell and call B. Knowing he would tell me what I wanted to hear, all I needed was the go ahead and it would be mine.
But I didn't. I resisted.
I put the phone back and immediately went to the checkout; the siren song of "Discount, you know you want this, you need this" echoing in my brain as I paid for my socks and pantyhose.
I don't buy anything baby because I am terrified. I am terrified we will be rejected. All of these rational and not so rational reasons float through my head all the time. Maybe China will say no because of my weight. Maybe because B has Lupus. Maybe they'll think we're ugly. Maybe because we don't have a religion. The list goes on and on.
I made a deal with myself way back during my infertility treatment that I would not buy any baby items until I knew for certain I was having/getting a baby. At this point, we still don't know.
Call me superstitious if you like, that's okay. I have to be safe and separated until I know for sure we are going to get Ruby (I didn't even want to talk names until B forced my hand and told me that the social worker would think I was too guarded and unsure if I didn't at least try). If I bring that into my house and my fears become reality I don't think I can handle it.