Totally 80s Birthday Pics!

Here they are in all the glory, a few pics from my 80s Karaoke party. Notice the pegged pants, which just looks dumb. I really don't get Katie Holmes trying to bring that trend back! B went Vanilla Ice with a 10 dollar track suit and some t-shirt iron ons. We had a most excellent time.

My brother, Brian and me singing Hold Me Now by the Thompson Twins

My friend Kevin & I sing Karma Chameleon while the peeps dance

B & me singing our encore duet of Always Something There (to Remind Me) by Naked Eyes

Billie, Arlene, and Caroline do some Belinda Carlyle

AWESOME CAKE - the flowers were a little weird, but so apropos

Has It Really Been That Long?

Wow, it's hard to believe that it's been a month and a half since I last blogged about anything. I've had things going on, but I guess blogging about them hasn't really been in the forefront of my mind. I guess I'll continue my current MO of bullet updates and hopefully get back into blogging sometime in the future. Somehow I doubt this, but it sure sounds good.

~This is my last week at my current job, and truthfully, Friday can't come fast enough. I saw my last client today, and there were no bittersweet feelings associated with any of my "last" activities. I wonder what that says about me?

~The new job starts Monday and I am woefully unprepared. Not really, I am ready, but I think I'll feel this way until I get into the groove

~About every 2-3 months I have been getting these lingering sinus infections. I am currently on day 10 of my current one, and it has totally whipped my ass. Since this time last year, I have been on: 10 antibiotics, 2 decongestants, 2 cough medications, an antihistamine, a nasal spray, had 2 steroid shots, a CT scan, a chest x-ray, and use a Neti Pot regularly. I have pretty severe allergies to grasses, plants, trees, and molds. My theory is that I have this, which makes total sense, since molds and fungus cause my most severe reactions. I am currently waiting on an ENT appointment, and am at the point where I will welcome the surgical scrape to get rid of this shit.

~I finished my final course and have now entered the dissertation phase of my doctorate. I am planning to defend my portfolio in early September and will officially be a candidate.

~We have a leak in our bathtub which has caused our 80 year old horsehair plaster dining room ceiling to collapse. We have to have the plumber 'diagnose' our problem and then our homeowners insurance will pay to repair the ceiling. All of that plaster dust and leaky residue is surely contributing to my sinus issues. Dammit.

~I had an 80s Karaoke birthday party last week for my 37th birthday. We totally rocked the face off the 80s music. B and I duetted to Bon Jovi's Dead or Alive. It was awesome. I will post pictures as soon as I can. The cake alone is worth seeing.

~ The latest addition to our family was born 2 days later. Mr. Jonah Brian (JB) is now comfortably at home nursing the night away. He's the first kid in 2 generations to be born with hair, which is a pretty amazing feat considering most of us were bald until at least 2. I've only seen pictures because I have been too sick to be around him.

~ Michael Phelps is KICKING ASS!

~ Our agency told us to hold off completing the I-800. We let our 171-H expire (long story), and have to re-file. The worker told us to just wait for a while, which is pretty freaking discouraging. 25 months and counting.

A Change Will Do You Good

So, remember this post a few months ago where I predicted that changes were coming? Well, it's official - my prediction that change is a comin' has finally come true. Last Friday, I resigned from my job. It wasn't a "Hey! Take this and shove it!" situation, I gave the company a lengthy notice and will be finishing mid-August and transitioning to my new position the following Monday.

A little history:

Back in December B called me at home and told me "I am emailing you something. You need to do this." He emailed me a notice from our state's largest Research I university (his employer and my former employer in a different capacity), an advertisement for a teaching faculty position in the Master's of Social Work program.

I scoffed.

"No. Seriously! You need to apply!"

So I did.

And I promptly went on with my life.

Eventually, I received a call that I was a candidate for the position and an interview was set up at the end of March. Oh friends, this was not just your average job interview - it was an interrogation of the highest form. Over the course of 2 days and 350 miles round-trip, I met with:

• a 6-person visiting committee, which included the Dean of Medicine and the Division Chair of a sister university;
• Developed and conducted a 2 hour teaching session on Everett Rogers' Diffusion of Innovations;
• Met with the dean;
• Met with the assistant dean,
  
• Had lunch with 2 faculty;
• Had an 8-person faculty round-table panel interview;
• Met with the division chair.

I was exhausted by the end of day 2. I don't think I have ever slept so hard.

I start with the fall semester teaching 3 classes and revamping and applying curriculum to the university's current online learning management system. I'll also supervise students in field placement and work with our local NASW chapter on conferences, fairs, and legislative work days.

In 2000, I graduated from the program for which I will be teaching. Had anyone predicted that I would eventually teach in the program I would have scoffed. Oh wait, I did.

Good thing I don't listen to myself.

23

Suddenly my favorite number isn't so fun anymore.

Buckling Down

I haven't totally abandoned blogging, I just haven't had much to say. Things have been a little redundant here and I wanted to spare my 1-2 readers the boring details. I have been working extra hard and bucking down to get some things done to make some of those changes I was talking about in this post. Small successes, but there is some good news to share!

I am almost finished with my Portfolio, and definitely will defend in June. Last week, my chair returned my reflection with no revision requests! I was pretty surprised because I turned in my first draft of the paper as my rough draft. Yeah, that's how I roll - I write in my head over and over, put fingers to typepad, and turn it in. Don't judge me.

Also, I have made the first steps of getting my dissertation together. A research project in the public school system came up and the dean (who is on my committee) felt it would be a good fit with me! The topic is interesting and fits really well with my experiences as a social worker. I met with our local Board of Ed last week and was able to iron out the details some. Both the dean and my chair are very supportive of this topic and if I buckle down I should finish by next spring or summer as planned. Even though I am going about the process a little backward because I am starting some exploratory qualitative research in a couple of weeks, it has been approved and I am safe. If all goes as it should, not only will I finish my doctorate, the research will be applied and will possibly influence policy changes in our county. That's pretty major. It means I have to phase out of the other project, but those wheels are turning already.

The professor for my class made another student cry a few weeks ago. The person couldn't hide it or hold it in (like me) and had a mini-meltdown right in the middle of her presentation. Oh yeah, it was rough. I hate it that my classmate had the same experience as me, but I am glad it happened for 2 reasons:

1) It wasn't just a personality clash between the two of us; I was worried that it was "just me."

2) She got a real glimpse of how hard she pushes and has backed down significantly.

We have had one hit over the last month that kinda bites, but we're not letting it bring us down too much. In this post, remember how I discussed our I-1600 renewal and how B's HR person was holding us up? Well, she held us up enough that we now have to file the new I-1800 and pay all of the fees (870 bucks). Our homestudy update was still free, but those fees hurt. It also scares me that because we have to fill out the new form, we won't get approved or it will mess things up for us. So scared that I haven't contacted our agency to tell them. Any thoughts or experiences that can make me feel better about this are welcome. They did send us a fingerprint appointment, so that makes me feel like it's going to be okay. Regardless, you never know how the Federal Govt. will handle things.

I noticed a while back that since I quit participating in Secret Pal exchanges that I no longer buy or look at anything baby related. I am removing myself from this process and don't feel connected to it anymore. We're 22 months post LID with no foreseeable future. Nice, 3 days, dudes. I am beginning to settle into acceptance and resignation that this may not happen for us, and I am really bothered about it. People no longer ask about the adoption, and I've noticed that days will go by without any thought or discussion of Ruby. It's breaking my heart because our hope is dying and I don't know how to get the adoption mojo going.

Because denial is a wonderful emotion, I am running away with little trips and adventures. On the books are:

* A trip with my mom and C to see The Lion King in September.

* A family weekend to Ced@r L@kes with 2 other families (B's cousin and his BF from high school). B, Matt, and Dan will take all 6 kids to the park while Missy, Shar, and I shop at the outlets. I see a Co@ch outlet in my future.

*And tonight, I am going to see these guys with my brother. Yeah!

How Many More? *UPDATED

If you can see the number 21 in this circle, not only will you know how many months since our LID, you are also color-blind.

*21 months today

Land of the Living

Hello?...

Anyone out there?...

I know, I know, it's been a while, and for that I am sorry. Things have been a little hectic around here, and blogging just hasn't been at the forefront of my priority list. The past month has been a doozy, so pull up a chair and enjoy the reasons why I haven't been blogging.

Reason #1: School is whipping my ass. I am taking one class this semester, but the workload is overwhelming. I am currently reading my SEVENTH text book, planning for interviews and focus groups with 3 area schools, and really, really disliking the class as a whole, especially my professor due to rank negativity and supreme narcissism. Yes, it's a joy. The good news is that I am pulling together my artifacts and writing my reflection as part of the admission to candidacy process in order to move on to dissertation. Required artifacts is 5+, and I have 13. Woot! I should defend in May or June.

Reason #2: B bought me a 4gig Gen3 N@no for Valentine's Day. Whenever I have had a free moment, I will download a CD or browse some music and/or audiobooks. I am an apple addict and I am okay with it. B totally despises M@c and I can't believe he even bought it, but I guess my whining go to him and has paid off. I am in love with my new gadget, and combined with my noise-canceling headphones, it was a lifesaver on the plane ride to and from Las Vegas (nice segue, Deb).

Reason #3: I went to Las Vegas a few weeks ago and didn't have as good a time as I wanted because of the company I kept. I have decided that I am a terrible traveling/living companion and should not travel/live with anyone who is not bound to me by blood or law. I can co-exist with others who are not bound to me by blood or law for around 2-3 days as long as I have my own room. Otherwise, it's a bust. I spent a 24/7 week with a school colleague and, by day 3, I was taking my 10 minutes of stolen alone time to call B in a snit. I should be ashamed because my colleague is an incredibly nice, devoutly religious, non-judgmental person. It was just too much contact time with someone who doesn't know the real me. You know, the non-religious, crass, foul-mouthed, foodie who lives for a great meal and is willing to pay for it both literally and figuratively? The laziest person alive, who will also gladly tell you that you have a booger, pick your zit, and offer scathing, judgemental opinions about fashion faux pas on every street corner? Well, the true colors of my personality couldn't shine through for fear of offending or scandalizing the poor woman. It was too much time with a person who is fundamentally different on every level. Personally, I didn't plan to go to the city that never sleeps to find ways to save money, hit the sheets by 10:30, and spend hours walking in order to avoid paying for a cab - but I did. Oh the shows were good and the lights were amazing, but with a crappy hotel, only one really good meal, no privacy to poop, and no opportunity to see any showgirls, real gamblers, or drunk celebrities, I was ready to snap and thanked B profusely for my only escape (See Reason #3).

Reason #5: There is a really good chance that I am going back to Las Vegas with B in June. He's headed out for a conference and my goal is to wipe the slate clean. I plan to eat at good restaurants, gamble a good bit, see some showgirls, and stay at a hotel where the latest update took place in this century. I cannot wait to experience Vegas with B, my soul mate in filth.

Reason #6: Month 21 of LID is approaching on the 27th, and the discouragement and depression about our adoption is a consistently hovering black cloud. What's to say? At least the PTB have finally moved into 2006 - by 4 days. So, I am wondering if this means we should go ahead and renew our paperwork? We have put it off because, really, what's the point? Motivation to pursue anything adoption-wise is at an all-time low. This past weekend we gave C's old twin bed to my niece, Chubs, and ended up cleaning out a significant space in Ruby's to-be nursery. Sadly, doing this neither encouraged nor inspired B and me to begin planning how to decorate her nursery. In truth, we just shifted the Rubbermaid containers, extracted the bed, and shut the door on an almost empty room. A room that will stay that way for at least another year.

Don't know when I'll blog again, but next up will be an in-depth discussion of why I like Wednesdays best of all - just for Walternatives!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Special K!

Stolen

I should be doing homework but instead, I stole this Blog Meme Deluxe from Ms Lisa

FAVORITES:

• Favorite Color: Purple
• Favorite Food: Mexican - mainly chips & salsa
• Favorite Month: August - my birthday and usually a vacation
• Favorite Song: I don't have an all time favorite. Right now - David Bowie's Man Who Sold the World and Daughtry's What About Now
• Favorite Movie: A Room with a View
• Favorite Sport: None to play; basketball or men's swimming to watch
• Favorite Season: Fall
• Favorite Day of the week: Wednesday
• Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Pistachio
• Favorite Time of Day: Early Morning

CURRENTS

• Current Mood: Grumpy - I am sick from my third sinus infection in 6 months. My ears hurt.
• Current Taste: Stirfry - B's cooking and it smells yummy
• Current Clothes: Dark gray velour lounge pants, black turtleneck, and white sneaker socks.
• Current Desktop: A cartoon from this website. JAM!
• Current Toenail Color: Umm... getting that taken care of next week
• Current Time: 7:37 pm EST
• Current Surroundings: Our bedroom surrounded by textbooks
• Current Thoughts: I need to quit dicking around and type up the notes for this, I need to eat that stirfry, my ears hurt, what am I going to wear tomorrow for work

FIRSTS

• First Best Friend: First Real Best Friend was Kathy. Kathy and I were BFFs through junior high and high school, and we had great fun together. We were pretty competitive with each other, which was healthy and inspiring. We hung out all the time talking about boys, gossiping about everybody, making up interpretive dances, writing in slam books, and owning our local Children's Theatre. She's married to a great guy and has 2 beautiful boys, and is extremely successful in her field. She still inspires me today.
• First Kiss: First closed lips - Charlie V. in sixth grade. I think he managed to kiss every girl in our class. First open lips - David F. in eigth grade following the Brian Adams concert. It wasn't good, sorry David.
• First Screen Name: DMBFan. I am still a fan.
• First Pet: We always had pets, so I don't remember the first.We had Stupid (yes, the dog's name was Stupid), Oscar, Dottie, and Albert. All are now chasing rabbits and eating large soup bones in the sky.
• First (and only) Piercing: Earlobes
• First Crush: Jason C. in sixth grade. He had perfectly feathered blondehair, which was groomed repeatedly by the small comb he kept in the back pocket of his Lee jeans.He would wear those white crew socks with stripes at the top and pull at them constantly. His favorite song was Jack and Diane by John Cougar (Mellencamp), and every time I hear it, I think of him.
• First CD: Ahem, do you mean Album? That would be Prince and the Revolution - Purple Rain.
  

LASTS

• Last Cigarette: About a year and a half ago. I was a social smoker, and never really was addicted. Since B quit, I have no one to bum a few puffs from.
• Last Drink: Can't really remember. Maybe a Dos Equis at the Mexican place about a year ago.
• Last Car Ride: I don't ride - I drive. Last drive was to and from the gas station to fill up my vehicle for a long drive in the am.
• Last Kiss: Real one last night from B before bed.
• Last Movie Seen: 3:10 to Yuma. I fell asleep. I have really been into Dexter lately. I just finished season I and I am now watching Season II on demand. I have also starting watching back episodes of BBC's Spooks.
• Last Phone Call: My mom calling to say goodnight.
• Last CD Played: Daughtry

HAVE YOU EVERS

• Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: I married my best guy friend.
• Have You Ever Broken the Law: Probably. Okay, yeah, but nothing too criminal. Petty things that karma will pay me back for someday.
• Have You Ever Been Arrested: Nope. Petty things only.
• Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: No, I can't swim and I would only skinny dip at night, so I can't see this ever happening.
• Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes, but only local access.
• Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Oh yeah. But only kissing.

5 THINGS

• Thing You're Wearing: Pigtails because my hair is dirty.
• Thing You've Done Today: Homework and Work-work. Yawn.
• Thing You Can Hear Right Now: C in the shower and B clicking through the channels on the TV.
• Thing You Can't Live Without: Family & coffee
• Thing You Do When You're Bored: Surf the Internet.

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY

1. In bed
2. In my recliner
3. My mother's house
4. On the toilet

PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO

1. B
2. My mom
3. Rachael

CHOICES

1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Hot coffee; cold everything else

No.1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: I can think of several things I want to do - finish my doctoral program and get my pointy hat, lose weight and be healthy, go to New York City, watch C graduate from school and have a good life, wake up every morning next to B, and many, many more. But the No. 1 thing I want to do before I die is hear my Ruby calling me Mama.

Blogger's Strike

I guess I decided to take a little hiatus there for a while. Just like the WGA's neverending strike, I decided to walk the picket line of blogging. No writing for me, and I am okay for it. I have been reading other blogs regularly (addiction is hard), but I haven't had a whole lot to say that's been positive. Truthfully, I still don't have a whole lot to say that's positive, except, maybe, I'm back?

Regardless, I haven't abandoned the whole blogging "thing," I've just been a little down, a little lazy, and a little busy. The bottom line is that I've been up to a whole lot of Woe and not enough Awesome.

Since I am subjecting you anyway, I'll alternate the Woe with the Awesome.

WOE ~ I have gained weight, which is something I could not afford to do. I just saw a picture of myself holding Caroline's new baby (AH!), and it wasn't so pretty (EW). Gravity and chins don't mix. I believe it's my thyroid acting up. I have lost a considerable amount of hair, which is distressing in itself, and I have the energy of a garden slug. Too bad, a nice dip in beer wont shrivel me some.

AWESOME ~ I am going to Vegas in a few weeks. I am pretty excited since I've never been. I have tickets to see Mama Mia and I am hoping to get my classmate to go to Mesa Grill. I know my boyfriend Bobby won't be there, but it's close enough.

WOE ~ C is doing somewhat better. The outbursts have been farther apart, which means the medication cocktail is working. She has also gained some weight, well her's has been considerable, which is sadly a side-effect of her meds. Grades have improved, but her friendships have tanked. She has made 2 "best friends" this year so far, and both have bailed on her because she's so pushy/intrusive. She and I talk about giving space and growing friendships A LOT, but she just doesn't get that best friendships need time and space to develop. Being friends with C is a little like that cartoon where the little dog keeps jumping over the big dog. I think you know which one she is. She's just trying way too hard.

AWESOME ~ We have decided to join our local Y because of this Winter Bear packing we've all gone through, and we're making it our Valentine's to each other. We've been talking about it for a while now, and it is definitely time for all of us to go. My final inspiration was this gal - if she can get up at 4:00 to swim, I can get up at 6:30 to do the elliptical.

WOE ~ We have to take our taxes to an accountant for the first time ever. I am not excited about it even though she seems perfectly pleasant and we have nothing to worry about.

AWESOME ~ I am working on an amazing international project for my qualitative research class. I don't want to say too much about it here, but trust me it's awesome. I am so flattered to be a part of such a big deal.

WOE ~ We just had our 19 month LID anniversary. Could this one be the halfway mark? What got me in the gut was when I had to change my email/Yahoo signature from "LID 6/27" to "LID 6/27/06." That was hard.

AWESOME ~ Finally, I am hopefully making some changes in my life within the next few months, and I'll be blogging all about it. I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I am hoping a change is gonna come.

Behold the Beauty that is an After-Christmas Sale

Christmas at the Bug house was its usual flurry of presents and family. We had a wonderful time opening and exchanging gifts, learning of my brother and sister-in-law's 4th pregnancy, and eating way too much good food.

As the years go by, B seems to know me better and better. He still needs an Amazon wishlist and still needs some direction, but otherwise he does really well. This year he and C went together to buy my gifts, something that normally doesn't happen. While roaming the mall, C kept insisting that I wanted diamond earrings (I didn't), and that I really needed a pair (I don't, I already have a pair, and very rarely wear earrings anyway). B ignored his gut feeling about the earrings and went ahead and bought a pair. When he came home and emptied his pockets on our dresser, he looked down and saw the earrings I already had lying in the jewelry box. What to do? Well, he gave them to me, along with the receipt and said, "I want to take these back and get something else, but I want you to go with me." Okay. So, along with the return of the ill-fated earrings and my Christmas money from my FIL and my parents, I got this...
for 50% off. Oh, how I love the after-Christmas sales.

P.S. Guess who who ended up with CZ earrings and thinks she's the bomb?

Secret Pal

For the last 18 months I have participated in a Secret Pal exchange with my June 2006 DTC group. In the beginning, the exchange was exciting and fun, but after 18 months and no end in sight, we decided to put an end to the SP exchange and support each other in different ways.

I have been a truly awful Secret Pal. Although I am grateful, my thanks have been sporadic, and I am beyond tardy with my part of the exchange. My poor Secret Pal hasn't received a gift since September. My heart just quit and the excitement about wrapping tiny dresses and tights, mini cardigans, and baby supplies that gather dust was just gone. This is my public apology to my poor Secret Pal who probably thinks we've dropped the program. We haven't dropped, I just dropped the ball while wallowing in my own self-pity.

Nevertheless, my Secret Pal, the one who sends to me, has never succumbed to the numbing depression and rage that surrounds this interminable wait. She has been a light of hope and kindness throughout these months of pining; a real trooper, you might say. My Secret Pal knows me. She took the time to pay attention to my likes and dislikes, my interests, and the things I value for my daughter-to-be. She acknowledged my hope that Ruby will be a reader and love books as much as I by including book in every package. My Secret Pal gave us Ruby's first trick-or-treat bag, memory book, and toys to be packed for China. She included B in the exchange by sending adorable onsies, T-shirts, and leggings that announce to the world that Ruby's daddy is a rocker and one cool dude. Her conscientious kindness to C's role of jie jie was always heartfelt, and is much, much appreciated. C proudly wears the "Adoption is Love" jelly bracelet, sent almost a year ago, every single day. I would love to post pictures, but my camera cord has been missing since April or May and I haven't replaced it. Take my word for it - she knows me.

Along the way, I began to have an inkling of who My Secret Pal was. Her gifts were too spot on, too close to home. I was amazed at how well she knew me. I figured she visited here, but some of her letters and poems would hit me in the gut and make me think - we've met or should meet, we've talked beyond this exchange. Needless to say, I wasn't too surprised to open my last package to see a flurry of these all over the wrapping paper surrounding a penguin bowling set, a book about penguins, and some awesome penguin pajamas (you are so getting a Christmas picture of Ruby in these!):

Krista, aka Special K, you have been more than a "pal" during these last 18 months, you have become my friend and oftentimes an anchor in this process. Every month your reminders that someone else is out there going through this, that we are not alone was at times, the only acknowledgement outside of B, C and me, that Ruby is coming. You have been my champion, my monthly remembrance, my reality check, and a never-say-die supporter, and I am eternally grateful.

Someday, we will meet, and when we see each other for the first time face-to-face, there will be no awkwardness, no "am I really going to like her" anxiety, and no hesitancy to hug tight and hold on.

Thank you my friend.

ARGH...but There's Good News too

ARGH:

~Brian and I have been trying to renew our I-171H renewal since August. Yeah. August. We are waiting on one person - Brian's HR bitch. Since our original home study, Brian was promoted and received a considerable raise which impacted our financial status. Because of this, our SW asked for a new letter to verify employment/salary. Every week he has asked his HR bitch for a letter, and every week the promises keep coming. NO letter. He can't go over her head because she's THE Head. Goddammit. I finally emailed our SW and told her the story, because I am sure she thinks we're giving up. She was totally cool about it. But still, how long does it take to write a freaking letter?

~ I have been crap sick for the last week. My doctor and I finally caved and tried a short Rx for 3-5 days of decongestants. I haven't taken a decongestant in probably 20 years because they make my heart beat erratically and make me incredibly hyper. Also, decongestants can cause a raise in blood pressure, so we've avoided them. Can we say Miracle Drug? Granted, I haven't slept more than 3-5 hours at a time in the last 3 days and my entire body is vibrating, but I Can Breathe.

~ I am having a baby shower for my friend Caroline in January. Since this little girl will probably be her one and only, I decided to do it up and ask my cousin to cater. Don't think I didn't pull the family card, because I so did. If not, looks like I'll be up to my elbows in meatballs and pasta salad next month.

Good News:

~ We do not have to pay any fees for our homestudy update!

~ I had a wonderful time at Biltmore with my bloggy posse. I don't think I want' to post more than that. Just good times with good, good friends. Oh how I love them.

~ C is doing really well (Knock Wood Now). The second medication has been in her system for a month, and we see a marked difference. Plus she has her incentives - Alex & Christmas.

~ My last class for the semester is tomorrow. Woot! In the spring, I am only taking one class so I can focus on my Residency Portfolio, which is my admission to candidacy and one giant step closer to dissertation and graduation.

~ Shannon leaves tomorrow to go to China to meet Miss Emily. I can't wait!

Blessings

Happy Thanksgiving, blogosphere. We've had some blessings over the past few weeks for which I am grateful.

~We introduced a second medication to C's treatment, and after 2 weeks of monitoring, we are starting to see some improvement. She also has an incentive to try harder; an incentive goes by the name of Alex. Alex is her "crush," and if she doesn't get to go to the next dance she, "Might.Just.DIE!" After I patiently explained to her that good behavior (no temper outbursts, better grades) warrants good things (movies with Alex, B & me, slow dancing at the Christmas dance with Alex), we've since seen a complete 180. Seriously. I remind her daily of her goal - Christmas dance, new outfit, Alex, Alex, Alex - and she manages to get it together. Unfortunately, she feels she cannot talk with her mom about Alex, so that makes it a little difficult. Her mother thinks she just wants to go to the dance. C is pretty open with me about her feelings about boys and friendships. Recently, she and I had a very frank discussion about boys and all the hormones, during which C politely informed me that, "Kissing is gross at my age." B was relieved.

~The conference proposal I wrote with two of my peers in my Doc program was submitted a few weeks ago, and we found out yesterday it was accepted. Looks like we will be traveling in March to present in VEGAS - Woot! With this acceptance, I get my second paper published in an international conference proceeding, get to go to Vegas for a week, and only have to present for 15 minutes. How awesome is that? Sadly, B will not be going with me this time. I think he's a little happy because I was definitely going to make him go to several cheesy shows. I am trying to talk my mom into going with me, but I don't think she's up for it. Too bad, we would have great fun.

~ I am currently cooking up a storm and packing like a fiend for my weekend adventure with the Tiara Girls - Susan, Shanny, and Shannon. Yes, Shannon is coming with us. She's on a giddy high because she finally, finally got her referral for Emily and she got a new nephew to boot. The referral was a little shaky for a second, but it's all good now. Go on over an take a gander at the cuteness. Tomorrow morning my very pregnant friend Caroline and I are heading out for the drive down to a little cabin in Asheville, NC. We're leaving early because (from what I hear) pregnant people need lots of pee stops, I tend to get lost in unfamiliar places after dark, and we have to stop for postcards at the WV and VA Welcome Centers per Susan's request. Plus, I am just so damn excited for a weekend of Christmas at Biltmore, junk food, mojitos, board games, and quite possibly some interpretive dancing to hits of the 80's, I would leave today if I could could get by with it.

Bullets

We are still alive, and to take a page from this gal's book, you're getting the bulleted list of what we've been up to.

* We are still struggling. I eliminated the previous bullet because it's just too painful to read. I believe I jinxed myself. Yesterday was rough. C had an appointment with the pediatrician who not only got to witness the violence, but finally (finally) stood up to C's mom. C needed a flu shot, and even after a mild sedative and numbing cream, she still managed to kick B in the chin, smack his face, bite him 3 times, and kick him in the hand. Yeah, it's bad. The 5 nursing staff who were there to help could not control her, and were freaked. On the Walk of Shame out of the office, the receptionist actually had the balls to tell B, "She really needs some discipline." I'm glad I wasn't there, because I believe I would have lost it. C's pediatrician finally said, "You're medication choice isn't working, you really need to consider ADHD and ODD." B and I have always believed that C has ADHD, and whenever we would go there, C's mom would lose it. Thank god someone else finally said it. Her pediatrician is very proactive and will collaborate with the psychiatrist and therapist. Now, if only her mom will cooperate with them. Keep your fingers crossed that this helps.

* I just finished a major proposal for a conference in Vegas this spring. I worked collaboratively with two other students, and hopefully we'll get in. I have never been to Vegas before. Keep your fingers crossed that we are accepted. Any tips on where to go, eat, and sight see are welcome.

* I've been going to the movies a lot with my friend Caroline. We have started to have a set Sunday movie date. Last week, along with my mom, we saw The Heartbreak Kid. It totally sucked. You know a movie's bad when you have to explain to your mother what a "queef" is. Yeah, it was awesome.

* Speaking of Caroline, she and I are headed down to Biltmore in a few weeks to meet up with the Tiara Girls - Susan and Shanny. Shannon may or may not join us. We are hoping she doesn't, because that means she's gotten her referral for Emily! She will be greatly missed, but we totally understand - her girl comes first. We can't wait for that referral, so we will take pictures. I can't wait to see my bloggy posse. I need the break.

* My niece Evie is talking more and more, and it's pretty hilarious. Last week my brother called the cat, "Fat Ass." Immediately Evie started saying, "Fat Ass, Fat Ass" My brother redirected her and asked her to call the cat by his name, T. J. She said okay, and he didn't think anything about it again. Later that day, she walked over to my SIL, Kim, Evie touched her on the knee and said, "Hey Fat Ass, lookit my boo-boo." Sweet.

* I have a fierce crush on Anthony Bourdain. Fierce. No Reservations is my new favorite show. I am also loving Chuck. Next week Nip/Tuck begins, and soon Project Runway. TV has been my salvation.

* Today marks month 16 of waiting for Ruby.

Being a Mom

There are many reasons for a lag in my blogging lately. There's a new season of TV to watch, it's conference proposal semester and I am diligently working for a trip to Vegas in the spring, I am depressed about the wait for Ruby... you get the point. Regardless of my regularly scheduled life, the main reason I have not been blogging is because I have been too busy being a mom.

Yeah, you read that correctly.

I am not C's mom, and have never had the delusion that I could ever take the place of her mother. My relationship with C has been one of stepmother - close, but not a decision maker. Nevertheless, I have been playing the role of mom due to the Summer of Hell she has had with her biological mother. Since May, C has been an absolute tyrant with her mother, and truthfully, it's a little embarrassing to talk about.

C has become an asshole. There I said it out loud.

My stepdaughter has become that image of the terrible teenager that all parents dread to think about - moody, tearful, raging, violent, hurtful, deceitful, lying and mean. The weird thing about it is that even though this mood swing has hit across environments (school, home, life), the really violent stuff only happens with her mother. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments where I get the "Stare of Death," but never to the level of destruction that happens at her mother's home. C has hit, kicked, punched, and thrown things at her mother. She has broken the woman's leg, torn ligaments in her thumb, and punched her repeatedly. We are seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and have consulted with her pediatrician, and have met with both school personnel and the police. And finally, we have done the one thing we said we wouldn't do - medicated our child.

I am not writing these things to elicit sympathy or advice, I am just passing along the facts of my life as it has unfolded over the past few months. Also, keep in mind, C is compassionate toward most, fun, silly, loving, and has a great sense of humor. Right now she's possessed by hormones and possible mental illness that has been passed down generationally; it says something when 4 generations of women (maternal) in your family have bipolar disorder.

We have also flipped the script with living situation, which is why I haven't been blogging. In the past, C has spent the majority of time with her mother and would come to us 2-3 times a week, depending upon her schedule. For the last 2 months, C has spent most of her time at our house. She goes to her mother's house 2x during the school week, and weekends (aka downtime) is spent here. So far, we have only had one meltdown and one potential meltdown. The one true meltdown was about not wanting to nebulize (whatever) and she almost hit me. Fortunately for us both, she reconsidered. But I am waiting.

99% of the time, it's been good. Very good. We have a routine and it works. We have an unspoken contract that is becoming a written contract where she can earn reward daily. Grounding long-term has never worked with her, and she's too big to spank. We are taking it one day at a time, and are working incredibly hard to stabilize her.

So that's why I have fallen off the face of the earth. That's why I haven't been blogging about my crush on Anthony Bourdain, my loathe of Lynette from Desperate Housewives, and my irritation that Hung won Top Chef. My life is C., because in the face of this emotional chaos, she has turned to me for some reason. Our relationship has grown stronger and stronger, and we are together constantly - day in and day out. C has turned to me for help, and looks to me as that port in her storm. Right now, I have a responsibility to pick up and carry her for a while, and right now that's what I am doing.

I am being a mom, whether I am ready or not.

Why I Suck

Here's why I suck...

~I've been a little blue lately. This past week was our 15 month LID aniversary. I keep trying to tell myself that 15 is the halfway point, but it just seems like an endless stretch. The only really good news is that the Review Room is on a roll and has approved up through August DTC. With June, July, and August going through review in around 2 months, I am hoping that referrals start to encompass many more days.

~ Well, obviously the blog has not been updated with any relevant information in months.

~ It took me 2 months to mail out Secret Pal gifts. For one Secret Pal, the exchange had ended Aug 1. Yeah, I mailed it last Thursday.

~I also haven't thanked my SP for my latest gift - a book about mom being great, a drum, a rattle toy, and some pretend rattle keys. If you're reading SP, I think you're the bomb, and thanks for all of the goodies.

~ I can't find my camera cord to download any pictures of my SP gifts. I also received an awesome gift from Shelba today, and would love to display the super cool Icky bib and the Rock Star Pediped shoes. Goddammit. I love them both by the way.

~ I have been crappy sick for 2 weeks. I am finishing my second antibiotic and finally feel a little better. At least I don't sound like Froggy from the Little Rascals anymore.

~ I believe I bought a lemon. I have had my new car since May 7th, and so far I have had a flat tire, two scratches, a leak in the air conditioning, and replaced an inside door panel. Monday we are dropping it off to have another door panel replaced. It's getting old, people.

~ My nephew told me that I am the "coolest aunt ever," and then proceeded to point out my forehead wrinkles. He said they were "really big."

~ I went to see this movie with my friend Caroline today, and I made it through the first hour before hot footing it to the bathroom to puke up my popcorn and coke. The cinematography and editing was sped up, choppy, and basically looked like B's grandpa, who had Parkinson's, made a home movie. My motion sickness hit like a wave and I was gone. I had puke on my shirt, face, and in my hair. No, that's not embarrassing. Smelling like vomit I not only had to slink into the theater to tell Caroline I was leaving, I had to slink through the lobby. It was great. I cried for 20 minutes in the car before driving home to shower and brush my teeth.

Okay that's enough whining.

Here's a funny story...

The other night we (B, C, and me) were having a nice dinner at Rio when this family comes in and sits down in the front of the dining room. The only reason I noticed them was because it was a family with 4 boys.

As we were leaving B said, "Hey look whose here!"

C walked up behind the oldest boy, smiled, and said "Hi."

The boy looked at her from head to toe, turned blood red, and said "Wow, you've...you've changed."

C turned blood red and said, "Um, yeah."

Then they just stood there looking at each other and blushing. It took me a minute to realize that this was P, C's 'boyfriend' from her old school, which she left after second grade. The two of them hadn't seen each other for several years. B made small talk and I walked over to pay. I really didn't want C to see me cracking up at the middle school hormone surge.

A few minutes later, on our way to the car, C went on and on about seeing P; she was giddy with the gush/crush.

Finally she walked ahead of us and B turned to me and said. "What the hell was that? It was just so awkward!"

I started laughing and said, "The look on his face?"

B said, "Yeah, did he not recognize her?"

I said, "No honey, that was the 'Oh! You got your Boobies!' look."

Shameless

I know I've been out of it for a while, and the excuses keep racking up. The big picture is that when we returned from the beach, I basically hit the ground running and didn't stop until yesterday when my doctor gave me an antibiotic, an inhaler, and some serious narcotic cough syrup to knock out the bronchitis and sinus infection that is beating me down.

I have several prolific posts in draft - a love letter, a conversation, and another TV rant, but right now I just can't get my fingers and brain to work well enough to string together very coherent thoughts. Perhaps it's the hydrocodone....

So, for now, a MeMe lifted from The Boob. Thanks buddy!

1. The phone rings, who do you want it to be? Ed McMahon... No one. I hate to talk on the phone.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Depends. If someone is watching or if the cart return is close enough, I will. If I am feeling lazy or the weather is crappy, I will park it next to the car next to me.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? Total talker. B says that I "hold court."

4. Do you take compliments well? Yes and no. I will accept a complement and say thank you, but it's usually followed up with something self-deprecating or a discounter like, "Oh, this? I got it at Target."

5. Do you play Sudoku? No. I love crossword puzzles, pencil pointers, and logic puzzles, but I hate sudoku.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? Reading this made me think of the Styx song Man in the Wilderness. I feel abandoned in this adoption process, and although I am surviving, I feel very alone. Literally stranded and surviving would be questionable; I might make it one night.

7. Do you like nipple rings? No.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Yes. I went to 4H camp for two consecutive summers. I loved going to camp! It felt like I was hundreds of miles away from my parents, when in reality I was only about 35.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid? My family and I were into board games like Life and Monopoly. I was also a Centipede freak and remember playing it at the Roller Rink Arcade. I would skate in, drop a few quarters, spin the roller ball, kick ass, and skate out. Good times.

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Yes. I dated a lapsed Mormon for a year. We had some pretty interesting conversations.

11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? Being the aggressive female I am, I am definitely a pursuer. I pursued B and got him. In retrospect, anytime I was the pursued, the guy was usually a creep or a weirdo.

12. Do any songs make you cry? No, not really. If I do tear up, it's usually because the vocal is so pure and beautiful, as well as the circumstances surrounding the listening. The last time this happened was when my mom and I went to see Wicked. Being there with my mom and overwhelmingly excited to see the show was what made me emotional, not just the singing.

13. Are you continuing your education? Yes. Sometimes it seems like that's the only thing that defines me.

14. Do you know how to shoot a gun? No, and I don't want to learn.

15. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grab? Besides my family? The cats and my purse.

16. Do you think more about the past, present or future? Sadly, the past. I tend to relive things in my mind and often think of alternative ways I could have handled myself or the situation. I reflect on my past mistakes and triumphs quite a bit. Perhaps too much.

17. Favorite children's book? Mrs. Piggle Wiggle by Betty MacDonald, illustrations by Hilary Knight.

18. What color are your eyes? Green.

19. How tall are you? Short. 5’6”

20. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes.

21. Where was the furthest place you traveled today? In my mind? China. In reality? The bathroom and back.

22. Do you like mustard? I love yellow mustard and will eat it on just about any meat.

23. Do you look like your mom or dad? I look like my dad in drag. However, I have many facets of my mom's personality that give me away as her daughter - the same spazziness, the same laugh, the same command-your-attention attitude.

24. How long does it take you in the shower? 15 minutes, sometimes less if I am in a hurry.

25. Can you do splits? No. I am pretty flexible for a big girl, but that's too flexible for me.

26. What movie do you want to see right now? 3:10 to Yuma

27. What did you do for New Year's? The same thing I do every year - sleep.

28. Do you think The Grudge was scary? Get real.

29. Do you own a camera phone? Technically no. My work owns the phone I use, but it does have a camera.

30. Was your mom a cheerleader? Yes, until it was discovered that she eloped with my dad. Once they found out she was married, they made her quit.

31. What's the last letter of your middle name? This may be a surprise, but it is not 'S.' It is 'H.'

32. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? On the average between 4-6. Last night I slept 12 - thank you hydrocodone.

33. Do you like care bears? No. I hate Care Bears, sappy characters like Strawberry Shortcake, and most Disney. I also hate dolls. So far, Ruby has 2 stuffed that we have purchased: This Gal and This Guy. As you can see, we're not into cute.

34. What do you buy at the movies? Tickets. Snacks depend on the theater. One of our local theaters has the best nachos. At the others, it's usually popcorn for B and C, and gummy bears or smarties for me.

35. Do you know how to play poker? No not really.

36. Do you wear your seat belt? Is it really an option?

37. What do you wear to sleep? Men's Hanes V-neck and panties.

38. Is your tongue pierced? No, that's nasty.

39. Do you like Liver and Onions? Thanks for making me throw up a little in my mouth.

40. Are you in love? Yes I am.

41. Do you like funny or serious people better? Both.

42. Ever been to L.A.? No, and I don't think I want to go to LA. I'd rather go to NY.

43. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? I pay because B makes me.

44. Are you a gullible person? Not really. I can get a pretty good read on people.

45. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy? No. I am perfectly happy all by myself.

46. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be? I would like to review trashy books.

47. Are you easy to get along with? For the most part. I am a pretty dynamic person, so my intensity may drive some away (this is a nice way to say I am a spaz).

48. What is your favorite time of day? Early morning with my Darwin and coffee.

49. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone? Alone, which is why B and I have a gigantic bed. We sleep together, but apart.

50. Would you give up the one you love/care for the most to become immortal? No way. I would grieve too hard to be able to enjoy it. What's an everlasting life if B's not there to share it? We chose to grow old together.

51. What animal are you most like? An elephant. I am loyal, dedicated, nurturing, and like to take my time to process.

52. What kind of tea do you like the most? Constant Comment, iced; Earl Grey, hot.

53. Do you laugh at peoples' stupidity? Depends. Usually, yes. I am a terrible fun-maker, especially when it comes to bad fashion.

54. Do you feel guilty for doing so after you're done laughing? Only if the person turns out to have a disability. Otherwise, no. If they're dumb enough to sport that bad fashion, then they need to own it when someone makes fun.

Back

So, we made it back Saturday from our week-long exile in West Virginia's #1 vacation spot - Myrtle Beach, SC. We were able to be on the ocean or at the pool every day, which is pretty awesome considering it's the beginning of hurricane season.

I won't bore you with the day-to-day itinerary, but will share some highlights:

• Fondue rocks, and we wish heartily we had a Melting Pot near home.
• Beach chairs are great when sitting in the surf watching the waves roll in.
• Sand in your crotch from said beach chair in the surf is not so great.
• Assholes who monopolize the pool, play horseshoes in over your stuff so that it's trampled into the sand, and are drunk (excluding the pregnant-but-I-still-wear-a-string-bikini-to-show-my-stretch marks-and-tramp stamp) by 11:00 am, do not make the best neighbors; we were grateful for the "quiet time" policy.
• Screened-in porches are the best place to watch nighttime thunderstorms over the ocean.
• My mama makes a mean shrimp boil with fresh shrimp, smoked sausage, onion, lemon, corn, new potatoes, and enough spice to slap your grandma. We licked our plates.
• I love having vacation with my parents now that we take separate cars to and from our destinations.
• C is a total chicken and we wasted 50 bucks on a Haunted Adventure attraction.
• Having no access to the Internet is both empowering and crippling at the same time.
• C is a terrible liar. She was caught red-handed (or should I say, 'red-gummed'?) in a super doozie about flossing the gunk out of her nasty-ass red, white and blue braces. This one took a bit of forethought and effort; thus resulting in the wrath of me, and the subsequent "Life is Hell" attitude she unleashed on everyone.
• Sand does bizarre things to your feet, and my pedicurist Jenny cussed me in English and in Vietnamese the entire time she repaired the damage to my soles and polish.

Sayonara Sweethearts...

~ 10 minutes until we pack the car

~ 9 months planning

~ 8 hours driving

~ 7 Sun & Fun-filled days

~ 6 Novels

~ 5 Beach Towels

~ 4 Pairs of shoes

~ 3 thick fashion magazines

~ 2 swimsuits

~ 1 Industrial strength spray sunscreen...

~See you on the flip side! We're off to the beach!~